Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize