On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
