She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
