I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
