i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
