I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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