The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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