Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
