I haven't been this sober since birth.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
