We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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