What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.