some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
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dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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