my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
