The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
