Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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