I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
