I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I had to cum in my sink.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
