good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
