In the future we'll all be gay
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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