Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My hand turned me down
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
