Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
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then he tried to convert me to islam
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
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I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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