Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
