Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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