that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
