i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
