matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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