why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize