I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
