I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
