I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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