I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
