There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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