we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
