I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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