My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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