so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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