Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
