i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
