Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
