Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
