I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
