I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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