Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My vagina just recognized that song.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
