Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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