I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
