My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
