All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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