I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
