If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize