I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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