Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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