Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
