Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
