im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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