What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
